I think I just saw someone hide a body.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
