I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
