He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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