I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
