you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
