My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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