Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize