he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
