I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
