She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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