my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
