Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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