Farmville is her only friend.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
