Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
