i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
