Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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