I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
