i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
