Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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