My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
