the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize