yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
