just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
