I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
