Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
