Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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