So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
