I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
