Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
