What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Randomize
