I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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