I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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