Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
