I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
