OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
