can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
