I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Can Purell be used as lube?
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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