i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
