Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
