I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
why do cheetos always look like penises
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
