I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
