I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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