JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
