i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
we're making bets on your personal life
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
