This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
