Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize