I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
