i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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