Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
