I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize