He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
