What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
she pinky promised me she was 18
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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