how can u be prego again
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
