my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
