listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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