Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Say something about gay babies.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
