Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
