Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize